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The 10 Douchiest Job Titles in America

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The 10 Douchiest Job Titles of 2012

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to keep my business cards free of my title. I feel this way for a couple of reasons: primarily, I don’t want those outside of my company getting hung up on my title; also, I really don’t give a shit what you call me inside the company; so long as the work is challenging and fun – and that my role can somehow influence the company’s results.

Of course, I understand I’m in the minority here. There’s an episode of Cheers that humorously magnifies America’s love for important sounding job titles when Woody, Sam and Carla individually go into Rebecca’s office to demand a raise; only to come out overly satisfied with nothing more than artificial titles.

So, while I get why some people want a title and want to proudly display it on their business cards, I struggle to understand why anyone would want a title that basically screams to the world “Hey, look at me: I’m a major douchebag.”

Do you have a douchie title or do you know someone with a douchie title? If so, please share them here. For now, here is my list of The 10 Douchiest Job Titles of 2012:

10. Lifetime Value Business Leader – This title is douchie for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I have no fucking idea what it means. To me, this title sounds more like something that would be inscribed on a crappy award you get from the Fort Wayne, Indiana, Chamber of Commerce than something you would print on a business card. Chances are, if you’re a Lifetime Value Business Leader, you probably can’t lead and likely provide no value to your business (even in the short term).

9. Talent Acquisition Expert – I have two major problems with this total douche bag title: first, if your title shows that you are an “expert” anything it means you are exactly the opposite; and second, the title “Talent Acquisition Expert” springs from the same political correctness that brought us such classic douchebag titles as “Sanitation Engineer” and Subway’s oxymoronic “Sandwich Artist.”

8. Director of Customer Experience – Taking care of customers should be Job One for everyone at your company; but if your business actually names someone their Director of Customer Experience, your front line employees are likely just paying lip service to the actual customer experience. Of course, that’s not what makes this title so douchie. What makes this title really douchie is that the role can only be filled by complete and utter douchebags. Think about it: have you ever met a Director of Customer Experience who didn’t annoy the fuck out of everyone around them? Sickie sweet phoniness does not make for a great customer experience.

7. Chief Motivational Officer – Similarly to the Director of Customer Experience role, if your company needs anyone with any variation of the word “motivation” in their title, then you have a real motivation problem. In fact, your lack of genuinely motivated people will not be solved by giving some made-up title to someone who cannot execute; but he’s really fucking nice so you named him your Chief Motivational Officer. Fire this guy and use the money you save to buy the employees a pool table for the break room and pizza every Friday.

6. Entrepreneur – This title is certainly douchie on the surface: it screams “look at me; I’m a real risk-taking maverick.” Yet these risk-taking mavericks who call themselves entrepreneurs are using the more cultural (mostly incorrect) definition of the word as “someone who starts a business that promises economic gain, but also entails great risk.” In fact, the word actually describes any manager or owner of a business – regardless of actual risk or gain. Putting “entrepreneur” on your card is equivalent to putting the non-descript “manager” as your title; only way more douchie.

5. Company Evangelist – The only people who should be allowed to have “evangelist” on their business cards are those hell-bent on saving our souls and taking our money. (Just taking our money is not enough to make you an evangelist.) In all seriousness, if you don’t spend your Sundays on television speaking to a bunch of sheep and fleecing them of their life savings, then you need to leave this off your business card.

4. Guru – The word is Sanskrit, and if you did not know that, then you’re not a fucking Guru. Moreover, this type of douchebag title is one of the “self-anointed” kinds. This means that no one ever called you a Guru (unless their tongue was firmly planted in their cheek) – you gave yourself this title; and for that, you are a douchebag of the highest order. In fact, you might just be the Guru of douchieness.

3. Mentor – What in the world would prompt someone to put this drivel on their card as their title? It is the job of everyone in your company to mentor to those with less seniority, knowledge or experience than themselves. However, if any douchebag put “Mentor” as their job title on their business card, then they are just announcing to the world that they really value their experience and opinions a whole lot more than the rest of us. I can honestly say that I have not learned a thing from a single person who ever “tried” to be a mentor to me. The true mentors in my life never tried, it just came naturally to them – and they gladly mentored without fanfare or the need to be officially called a mentor.

2. Visionary – Putting this on your card literally screams that what you lack more than anything else is vision. Because… if you had any vision at all, you’d see what a douchebag you look like with this on your card. Let me break this to you gently: being right about a few things does NOT make you a fucking visionary; knowing more than your boss about technology or the Internet does NOT make you a fucking visionary. “Visionary” is a title people bestow upon you at death (think Steve Jobs), not something you call yourself when you’re still alive and annoying the rest of us.

1. Thought Leader – The King of all douchebags, the “Thought Leader,” is another self-anointed position. Those who use this title to describe themselves really see their place in your industry as Socrates meets Einstein. They believe – generally because they have a below-average IQ – that they are both philosopher and genius. While the rest of us see the obvious for what it is, the self-proclaimed “thought leaders” point out the ordinary as if they’ve cracked the genetic code. Deep inside I think many “thought leaders” are truly just “do nothings” who gave themselves the title of “thought leader” because they don’t want to do any real work; they just want to regurgitate what others have published.

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Generally speaking, I think the Internet magnifies the self-importance that the douchebags who proudly display any of my Top Ten douchie titles tends to feel and feed upon. Make no mistake, I get that many of you who read this think I’m a douchebag for my often ranting style of writing. The difference between me and the douchebags that might desire one of the above as their titles is that I know whatever I write will be douchie to someone.

Of course, if you happen to be one who thinks my writing is douchie, then I feel good that I could help you feel superior to someone; even if it is just some douchebag who rants when he writes…

Leadership Lessons from the NBA – When Bold Moves are Required, Leaders Don’t Care About Popularity

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Leadership Lessons from the NBA – The Surprisingly Aware Richard Jefferson

Weeks after being acquired by the San Antonio Spurs, star NBA forward Richard Jefferson was scheduled to marry his redundantly named fiancé, Kesha Ni’Cole Nichols, last Saturday. As you’ve likely heard, Jefferson, late of the New Jersey Nets, got cold feet and called the wedding off just hours before he was scheduled to become Mr. Ni’Cole Nichols.




While most in the blogosphere have lined up to crucify Jefferson for his last minute email to Nichols calling off the nuptials, the editors of AskTheManager.com believe he showed great leadership in recognizing a bad decision and rectifying it before it was too late. (Of course, there are reports he spent more than $2 million on the wedding that never happened, so we’re not entirely sure he couldn’t have made the decision a few weeks earlier.)

Leaders Make Decisive Moves

While Jefferson spent more than $2 million on the ceremony, he likely saved himself millions more by avoiding the inevitable divorce from KNN. Many have called him a coward, though we call him bold.

A coward, you see, wouldn’t want to face his fiancé, her family, his family, their friends and the rest of the world with the embarrassing news that he made a bad decision in asking her to marry him. A coward, you see, would live with his bad decision and compound it with more and more bad decisions for the rest of his life. Leaders are bold enough and comfortable enough with their own abilities to say “I screwed up, and this is how I’m going to fix it.”

Leaders Do What’s Right

The popular move for Jefferson would have been to go through with the wedding and make the best of a bad marriage. Certainly millions of others before him have done just that. Jefferson, for whatever reason, stepped up and did what was right – that’s what leaders do. Leaders care about popularity only when it doesn’t get in the way of what is right, and marrying someone you just don’t love isn’t right.

Gaming and Cheating in Business – Why Companies Always Lose When They Cut Corners

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The Short Term or the Long Term

I’m often asked by young managers whether a given decision should be made for the short-term or the long-term well-being of a company; and I always give the same answer: both. No matter what the issue is, the ultimate decision should weigh the pros, cons and consequences over both the long and short terms.

That is not to say that I think that both are equally important – on the contrary – there is no doubt that the long-term health of a company is always more important than the company’s short-term health. Always. Always. Always. And, before you argue that without short-term strength a company will not have a long term; I’ll concede that you are right… and that you just proved my point.

Short-Term Health v. Long-Term Health

While the argument for short-term health versus long-term health may rage in your office, the truth is that no decisions ever really come down to an either/or – it is not a simple dichotomy. Sound company decisions always weigh long-term health against some potential short-term gain or loss. For example: do we take the gain today knowing that we will lose something (but not everything) in the future?

A decision made in favor of a company’s short-term viability so that this same company can be around in the future is indeed a decision made for both the short and long term. I would argue, in fact, that the company’s long-term health was likely the primary deciding factor in choosing the short-term strategy. You simply cannot make short-term decisions that disregard the company’s long-term well-being and expect to be in business in the future.

Short-Term Health v. Short-Term Wealth

Is it short-term health or short-term wealth you seek? Before you tell me that the two are never mutually exclusive, let’s ask the former executives of Lehman Brothers.

Because nearly all of us are paid more on the short-term outcomes we drive for our companies rather than what we provide over the long term, it is easy to see why some companies will game and cheat to maximize short-term revenue at the sake of long-term viability.

“It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.”

We’ve previously shared this Upton Sinclair quote and it is as fitting in this context as it was in earlier posts. Why would middle managers even begin to try and understand the importance of a company’s long-term viability when 99% of their compensation is related to the short term? We should not be surprised, then, that many companies – and even whole industries – routinely mortgage their futures for the sake of a few dollars today. (Mortgage indeed.)




Gamers and Cheaters – Hall of Shame

While there are a number of industries that routinely cut corners to drive a few short-term dollars to their bottom lines (the banking and casual dining industries come to mind immediately), we decided to focus the remainder of this article on two specific industries that habitually game and cheat, and still don’t get it.

The first industry is known in the automotive business as “Third Party Lead Aggregators.” Basically, these companies acquire contact information from consumers who are reportedly in the market for a car, then sell these as leads to automotive dealers.

Because the aggregators sell leads at a fixed price to car dealers, though purchase the leads from their affiliates and the open market at variable prices, the push to achieve a suitable margin (in the short term) means that the aggregators must purchase a significant number of lower priced, lower quality leads to mix in with a few higher priced, higher quality leads. While this behavior results in greater short-term profits, it comes with an increase in customer churn and a reduction of long-term loyalty.

Think of it as watering down the lobster bisque. In the short term you make more money, though over the long run people stop coming to your restaurant.

What About Watering Down the Herbicide?

There’s actually an acceptable practice in business for cheating and gaming one’s customers known as the Least Noticeable Difference (LND). This is a product strategy that involves improving gross margin via minute degradations to the size or ingredient quality of a product. The key is to ensure that the quality or size is reduced just enough so that most consumers will never notice.

The other cheating industry we wish to highlight is one that seems to thrive on making LND changes (on a weekly basis). Welcome to the lawn service business. This industry is dominated by national players like TruGreen ChemLawn, Scott’s and ServiceMagic; but also populated by countless local players with such creative and fun names as Grasshopper Lawn Service and Bizzy Bee Lawn Care.

You can’t blame this group for cheating. All of their customers live in nice homes and hire someone else to cut their lawns and kill their weeds – i.e., they’re not really paying attention. Additionally, much of the work in this industry involves spraying a clear liquid on grass; the results of which are not realized for weeks. Who wouldn’t be tempted to cheat and water down the herbicide?

…

Over the last few weeks the crab grass began to spread (again) in our yard. As we seem to have to do every few months, we called our lawn service to complain. What did they do? The same thing they always do: They apologized profusely, blamed it on the “increase in rain” and promised to come out “tomorrow and treat the lawn again, for free.”

“Not good enough,” I replied. “You’re fired.”

While most of their customers are probably fooled by their reactionary customer service and gladly allow them to continue, we simply could not reward this gaming and cheating behavior any longer. The truth is they simply don’t use enough herbicide during their weekly treatments to be effective, and they know it. They’ve watered it down to maximize their margins and they’re crossing their fingers that you’ll never notice. If you do, they simply apologize and “give” you an immediate treatment for “free.” What they’re actually giving you in this one-time treatment is something they should have been giving you all along: Quality.

LNDs: No One Can Eat Just One

Used once, an LND strategy can be an effective way to make a nice short term improvement to profits. Unfortunately we generally assume (incorrectly) that we will make these changes only when most customers will likely never notice. Like crack cocaine or Lay’s Potato Chips, we sometimes become so addicted to making these LNDs that we can’t stop until it’s too late. Our customers have left us and they’re not coming back.

…

Make no mistake, we’re not naïve. We understand that there are plenty of business gamers and cheaters who are successfully pulling the wool over the eyes of their gullible customers every day – and have done so for years. Whether it’s from collusion or a lack of competition in their industry, these businesses have (so far) been able to operate in a vacuum; living high on the hog via a long series of short-term decisions.

Odds are that this cannot last; that the customers will revolt or a new competitor will enter the fray offering real value. Whatever happens, rest assured that it will indeed happen, and that by the time the gamers and cheaters realize it, it will likely be too late. (At least that’s what we hope.)

Email Etiquette for Message Importance – When “Importance: High” = “Don’t Waste Your Time”

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Quick, Read This Email… Now!

Today I received another in a long line of email messages from a certain vendor touting their newest and greatest product improvement. This email, like all of its predecessors, arrived in my Outlook inbox as a message of High Importance. Because I receive just one in five hundred messages marked “Importance: High,” I generally give these more than a quick glance when they arrive.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed a subject line this morning that read **Special Sneak Peek: (Vendor Name Omitted) New Guided Search**. I thought, “Wow, this is big news! You made an enhancement to your website that will have little to no effect on me or my business, and you sent me the details in a message marked High Importance. Congratulations! I now like you even less than I did five minutes ago.”

The Email Who Cried Wolf

No need to rehash this as a new millennium version of the famous fable attributed to Aesop, except to say that with each email of miniscule importance sent by this vendor that masquerades as a critical Top Secret UMBRA message, I lose more interest in reading anything they send… anything.

In fact, it’s become so bad that I now treat all of their messages akin to how one would treat the proclamations of a ten-year old who brags about what a big boy he is every time he makes “doody in the toy-toy.” We get it, congratulations; you pooped.


It’s not just egocentric vendors who misuse the High Importance selection in Outlook, though it does seem to be solely the province of the unintelligent and unsophisticated. Ever get the High Importance email on Tuesday afternoon sent to everyone at your company reminding you that the office refrigerator will be cleaned out promptly at 5:00 PM on Friday? Chances are your CEO didn’t send it.

You Don’t Sell Plasma

Out of every 500 High Importance emails I receive, about ten truly require my immediate attention – and none of these ten ever originates from a vendor. Here’s a quick email etiquette tip: if you’re a vendor who does not sell plasma, stop acting like you sell plasma. The more you try to make your customers care about your (fill in the blank), the less they care.

High Importance status should exist solely for those emails that require both immediate attention and for which there will be negative consequences if they do not receive immediate attention. If your email merely requires that the recipients read and respond, write “RESPONSE REQUIRED” in the subject line. Likewise, if your message requires that recipients take an action based on the email, try placing “ACTION REQUIRED” in the subject line.

What About Tagging Something “Low Importance?”

Here’s a bonus to those vendors who don’t understand basic email marketing rules, and who mark their outbound sales messages as “Importance: Low.” Likely you tagged these emails as having Low Importance out of some misguided consideration for your recipient. Congratulations, your emails are ending up in SPAM filters all across the Web. Quick tip: never mark any email as having Low Importance. If the email is truly of Low Importance, don’t send it.

For that matter, if the message only highlights some unimportant feature enhancement of your website, don’t send that email either.

Salespeople Need More Leadership, Not More Technology

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Too Much Technology…

When working to help an underperforming business unit (in my real job) grow their revenues, I always discover instances where the unit has purchased some widget, gadget or other magic bullet designed to help them sell more.

Although well-meaning, the manager who made this purchase generally believed against all his or her own better judgment and experience that this solution would enjoy high adoption and utilization, and would deliver the desired results with little or no work required. Given a warm welcome by the sales team, this manager was certain that the worm would soon turn, and that the good times were just around the corner.

… Not Enough Reality

Usually between six hours and six months of the initial purchase, the manager believes they were taken. The widget does not perform as demonstrated. Their team is not selling any more (and maybe selling less) as a result of adding this technology and expense. What gives?

The truth is that while there are certainly technologies that have made a salesman’s job easier; sales still requires people to do work. Products that still involve salesmanship – cars, real estate, personal services, home repair – also require that those gifted with salesmanship work to leverage technology to their advantage.

Generally, these overbought and underutilized tools are CRM-related. CRM, it seems, is the greatest underutilized business technology “in use” today. In fact, we once discovered that one of our business units was paying for eight different, yet overlapping, CRM tools… and none of them was helping drive any incremental business.

CRM Does Not Mean What You Think

Twenty years ago, great salesmen used 3X5 cards and small plastic boxes as their CRM tools. They organized their prospects and were tenacious at follow up. They used these boxes and their day-timers to remind them to send letters and birthday cards, and to remember the names of a customer’s wife and children. Today, we expect technology to take the place of this tenacity – we expect that technology can replace people and process.

While a great CRM tool might help an organized person stay organized, it offers nothing for the disorganized. Likewise, CRM falls well short of getting lazy salespeople to care, or the sales laggards to do something (anything!). More often than not, bad salespeople spend an inordinate amount of time trying to game the system. (If they just used this time for good, rather than evil, they’d be superstars.)

Because of this, CRM tools are the biggest rip-off in business today. Too many business owners and business leaders have spent too much to equip their teams with expensive tools to manage customer databases, only to have the great procrastinators (salespeople) destroy real progress by failing to complete even very simple steps. I am convinced that you could take away any underperforming business unit’s CRM tools and provide that same sales team with index cards and pens, with the end result being better sales numbers than are realized today.

While the acronym CRM (which stands for Customer Relationship Management) is meant to describe the means a company or salesperson uses to manage their customer relationships, the onslaught of underutilized tools led us to coin the memorable (if not a bit hokey) phrase “Crutches Require Muscle” so those purchasing new CRM software would understand that assembly is required and magic bullets are not included.


As sales leaders, our goal has to be to make certain that everyone and anyone on the sales side understands that you cannot successfully manage customer relationships without work – hard, sometimes tedious work.

Crutches Require Muscle: Two Real Life Examples

Next week, my family will have an invisible fence installed in our home. We own a couple of small dogs, and these little buggers have figured out how to burrow under our traditional fence. After coming home too many times to notes on our door that read “Your dogs got out again. We have them at our house,” we’ve decided to spend a few bucks on shock collars and electric barriers to keep our pets (and neighbors) safe.

Because this is the first time we’ve ever had to purchase something like this, we sent price quote requests (via email) to seven local invisible fence companies who operated websites. These seven are using technology (the Internet, email and CRM) to their advantage, we figured, so we expected quick and complete responses.

Long story short, we received three automatic responses (43%) to our inquiries and only one of the original seven (14%) bothered to personally follow up with a price. We heard nothing from four companies (57%). This is pathetic, of course, because these seven companies are spending thousands each year on technology designed to capture more business, yet only one of the seven bothered to add people and process to the mix in an attempt to gain our business. The other six likely believe that their websites and CRM tools are magic bullets designed to deliver millions into their bank accounts with little or no work.

Can you guess which of the seven companies is installing our invisible fence next week?

Sylvan Learning Centers Need to Learn Something Themselves

CRM real life example number two: On a recent Thursday afternoon, one of our sons (we have three) brought home a mid-term “D” in English. We were shocked, scared and mortified for two reasons: 1) none of our sons has ever delivered anything below a B+; and 2) the boy speaks English, doesn’t he?

In our momentary horror, we were convinced that the best thing for this likely slacker was for him to get professional help (clearly his teachers, and especially his parents, were doing a poor job). We immediately sought an afterschool tutoring program that could release this young man from the dark side and make him our son once again.

A quick Google search yielded a sponsored link to Sylvan Learning Centers – hey, I’ve heard of them – so I submitted an online request to have my local Sylvan office contact me with pricing and other information. I was clearly desperate in my initial plea. Not surprisingly, the CRM tool used by Sylvan immediately fired off an automatic response that gave me confidence: My boy will read again, I cried. Here is the reassuring auto-response I received:

Thank you for your spending time with Sylvan’s website today. Whether your child needs to improve a report card, get ahead in math, end homework struggles or prepare for college, Sylvan can help.

Please keep this e-mail for your records; below is the contact information for your local Sylvan Learning Center:

Your local Sylvan is located at: (followed by the local center’s various contact info)

Visit your local Sylvan’s website often; you’ll find information about news and events, hours of operation and if they offer live, online tutoring from the comfort of home. You may want to even bookmark it!

Thank you again for visiting Sylvan’s website. We look forward to serving your family in the near future.

Your friends at Sylvan Learning®.

Awkward first sentence aside, I was convinced that my son was not going to have to ride the short bus after all.

Sylvan is on the Case

I heard nothing from my local Sylvan center the next day (Friday), though I was not concerned. Surely, they are so busy turning around the lives of so many children that they’re just a little behind in checking their emails.

At exactly 1:29 AM Saturday morning I received the following email (names and locations changed to protect the guilty):

I’m John Doe, Center Director from your Anytown center. Thank you for contacting us regarding your child’s learning needs. Your recent inquiry has been marked for our immediate attention, and one of my staff members will be contacting you shortly. If you have a preferred method for contacting you, please reply to this email with your preferred contact information. We look forward to talking with you soon.

Wishing you and your student success,

John Doe

Center Director

I was starting to get concerned, because they certainly must think we are all a family of morons if they believe they can fool us into thinking someone is sitting at our local Sylvan center sending out emails just after the bars close.

Although I responded to this email with very specific needs, no one on Mr. Doe’s staff ever bothered to respond, though I did receive the following automatic email on the following Monday afternoon:

I hope one of my staff members from Anytown Sylvan center was able to resolve your questions or concerns. Please reply to this email if you still have outstanding items you would like to discuss, and we will contact you as soon as possible. Thank you for your interest in Sylvan.

Wishing you and your student success,

John Doe

Center Director

I responded to this email immediately, and have yet to hear anything from them. It’s now been over a month.

As frustrating as this process was, it forced me to help my son with his English, and he is now back to a solid B – not great, but also not summer school material.

How to Guarantee Utilization

How much revenue could Sylvan have realized from my family over the next 10 years? If they were successful in helping this son with his English grades, would we not use them to help our other sons improve something? In my estimation, this local Sylvan center lost a minimum of $10,000. If you multiply that by the hundreds of other potential customers with similar experiences you begin to get into some real money.

The issues in these two real life examples are not caused by bad CRM tools, rather these instances point to a sales leadership void within these organizations. Without leadership, these organizations have too much technology. Case in point: if none of these businesses attempted to employ CRM tools, I would have been forced to call them, and chances are they might have answered the phone.

What can a leader do to guarantee utilization of tools designed to help an organization close more sales and drive more revenue? Accountability.

It’s a cliché, but your team will truly respect what you inspect. (By the way, we generally hate sayings like this, because people assume they’re true simply because they rhyme. “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” could have just as easily been “if you killed your ex-wife, you’re gonna do life.”) Inspecting the daily inputs and outputs of your salespeople, and then holding them accountable for employing the designated processes for prospecting and managing customer relationships, can change everything virtually overnight.

The truth is that most salespeople are lazy. They expend more energy avoiding work than they would have to use if they just completed tasks as designed.

Salespeople need more leadership, not more technology.

 

Young Owner, Old Manager: Who Wins in the End?

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Questions… we get Questions

One of our readers, Anant, posted the following after reading our article from August 2008 titled The First Time Manager Dilemma, How Do You Gain Respect?:

hi, i am facing a similar problem as mentioned above with one of my older employees, the only difference is that i am the owner of my company.

Last year i joined my father’s company after finishing my engineering and have started to handle the correspondence and marketing of the company.

Initially i thought because i was a new, they treated me as like a new kid on the block and would probably fade out once i am long enough with the organization.

Most of them did change, apart from our general manager. He still thinks he is an authority over me. I didn’t mind his reactions till the time recently when my father had gone out for an industrial trip. He had asked me to get some work done before he comes, which were like level 1 jobs and could easily be done on the phone/personally meeting, nothing laborious. Its been almost 3 days since i told him and he has still not been able to complete the task. Apart from this whenever i tell him something he looks at me, giving me that expression “why is he telling me? who is he to tell me?”

This behavior of his has actually ticked me off. Kindly give me a solution to handle such kind of employee – Anant, February 8, 2009

Young man (I’m going to assume you’re a young man, as Anant means “bliss” in Hindi and is traditionally a male name), it’s time for you and your GM to face several tough realities:

  1. Every generation gets overtaken by the next;
  2. Youth is the only trait a manager cannot learn;
  3. You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar;
  4. Blood is thicker than water;
  5. Money is thicker than blood; and
  6. Your written communication skills are horrendous.

1. Every Generation Gets Overtaken by the Next

It’s the circle of life my friend: It’s exciting and great when you’re young; and it sucks when you’re old. Your father’s general manager is having a tough time facing this fact… that’s expected. Your job is to make sure that you maximize short and long term profits for your father, not to make the GM feel good about himself.

If he fails to grasp this fact, he should be shown the door.

That said, you and your father’s company might be better served if you followed the advice in point number three, below.




2. Youth is the Only Trait a Manager Cannot Learn

This fact is likely killing your GM from the inside out. It eats at him everyday, and his own fear of being replaced is going to force him to do one of two things: 1) seek other employment (not likely); or 2) go into passive-aggressive mode when dealing with you (highly likely).

Until you came along, the GM was your father’s right-hand man. Today, he sees you as the greatest threat to his existence (see point number one, above). Following the advice given in point number three might help make the situation more tolerable for you (and the GM). If it fails, it’s probably time to show him the door. (Do you see a pattern emerging?)

3. You Can Attract More Flies with Honey than Vinegar

Of course, you can attract the most flies with dog shit, but we’ll forget that for a moment, because it doesn’t really fit with this whole analogy.

I think the best way to introduce this concept is to have the great Dalton (Patrick Swayze) from Road House explain it:

All you have to do is follow three simple rules.

One: never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.

Two: take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.

And three: be nice.

…until it’s time to not be nice.

Generally every human can figure out Dalton’s numbers one and two on their own. Dalton’s tip number three, “be nice,” takes some practice.

Anant, if you want to be nice, then it’s time to become “The New Anant.” The New Anant is a guy that loves everyone and everything. He smiles are everyone (especially his GM), and nothing ever gets him down. If you become The New Anant, you are going to be so nice to the general manager that people are going to think the two of you are dating. In fact, your father may become jealous of your relationship with the GM.

Seriously, If you want to get the most out of the general manager, you need to hang on his every word. You should ask his advice on every topic (where it makes sense) and you should strive to make him the hero at every turn. If you do everything in your power to make him look good, he will (usually) work hard to prove you right. At worst, you’ll have made it incredibly hard for him to treat you poorly – his subconscience won’t allow him to be an ass; just as your subconscience will drive you to eventually like and even respect him. (If nothing else, you’ll begin to see the world as he sees it, which will give you great insight into how to manage him better.)

If this fails, show him the door.

4. Blood is Thicker than Water

At the end of the day, you can always tell your father to fire him. After all, you’re blood and he’s just an employee. This strategy is great provided a) you are ready to lead the company as the new general manager; and b) this GM really wasn’t that effective.

5. Money is Thicker than Blood

This is where things get sticky for your dad. If the GM is strong and delivers value for the company – and the two of you cannot get along – then it’s time for Anant to find a new job.

Blood is pretty thick, but money is a whole lot thicker.

Face this reality right away and begin “working” for the GM if he’s any good. If he stinks, refer to number four, above.

6. Your Written Communication Skills are Horrendous

Seriously, Anant, I know you were writing informally when you posted a comment on this blog, but it’s important to always communicate clearly and correctly in business. Business associates (like the GM), subordinates, customers and leaders of other companies will respect you more if your written communication skills are always strong.

The good news is that you already form strong ideas, you just need to put them into a written form properly. Start by writing everything in Microsoft Word first, then running the spelling and grammar checkers before you send any correspondence. Next, you may want to read our posts covering email etiquette. There might be some overall business writing tips you can take from these.

It sounds like you’re well on your way to becoming a great business leader: you’ve clearly identified the major hurdles in your business and you’ve sought advice on how to rectify them – that takes guts and shows your leadership – congratulations. Please keep us posted, we’re dying to know how things work out for you.

 

Google is Just Like Everyone Else…

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Leadership Lessons from Google – When a Giant Makes a Giant Mistake

Google announced last week that they would close three offices and lay off 100 full-time recruiters. Even though these are the first Google-hired employees ever to lose their jobs in a workforce reduction, it’s not news… not in this economy. In fact, 100 employees is nothing, right?

Wrong. How big could it have been for Google if they would have announced they were not going to lay anyone off, ever? Instead of layoffs, they were going to find new jobs for these 100 people at Google?

100 employees is nothing, right?

With a ninety-billion dollar market capitalization and over 20,000 worldwide positions, Google could have easily absorbed these 100 humans in other areas of the company. They could have used the non-event of not laying off 100 employees as a chance to score a coup with the American media. They would have been the darling of the new administration: An American company; devoted to full employment despite the economic downturn.


We’re not naïve. We’re not suggesting Google not lose the 100 jobs, just not the 100 humans. Through attrition and everyday hiring, Google will surely add these positions in the next two weeks. With some on-the-job training and evening classes, these 100 recruiters could easily be ready to tackle many other jobs at the search giant. It would take a little work, but everything worthwhile does.

Google Could Have Been Someone; They Could Have Been a Contender…

Google could have been different. Google could have been the only giant American company to never, ever lay off a full-time employee. In the process, they would enjoy a more loyal workforce and great press. The positive feelings created by this move in this economy would have been worth 100 times more than Google would pay those 100 employees this year. They really could have played this to the hilt.

To be fair, Google has technically cut jobs before. In 2008 they laid off over 300 employees at their Double-Click subsidiary. This is somehow different; these were Google employees, hired as Google employees.

As my buddy Niall puts it, “in reality, Google is just like everyone else.”

Niall’s right; and it’s sad when you think about it. Google had a chance to make a statement, and instead chose to take the easy way out. Google is just like everyone else.

This begs the question: When will Google fall? If they’re not different, then they must be susceptible to the same market forces as every other business. Inevitably, they will be overtaken in their own field, and then they will be acquired. Then, the layoffs will really flow.

 

Circuit City, Where Service Was Never State of the Art

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Circuit City – We Told You So…

In what was probably the easiest call in the last ten years, we told you Circuit City was going to go all the way (read our November 12, 2008 post if you don’t believe us). Back then we said you shouldn’t “be fooled by their reorganization plans; Circuit City is down for the count and not getting up. Lousy leadership is lousy leadership, and court protections will change nothing.

“While Chapter 11 might provide a short-term reprieve and allow them to stock their stores for Black Friday 2008, they’ll not be around for Black Friday 2009. (Heck, they probably won’t make it to Good Friday.)”

We were right, and we just want to gloat.

Circuit City, unable to work out a sale of the company, said Friday it will close its 567 U.S. stores and cut 34,000 jobs. Nice going, guys. Please don’t blame this on the economy. You were the nation’s second-biggest consumer electronics retailer and you failed to build a sustainable business. There’s no excuse.




What’s amazing about the retail bankruptcies during this recession: KB Toys, Mervyns, Linens ‘N Things and now Circuit City; is that none of them are surprising to us. If you ever stepped foot in one of these stores and compared them to their biggest competitor (Toys R Us; Macy’s; Bed Bath and Beyond; and Best Buy, respectively) you’d know who was the best and who was not. You’d understand that it would not take much to cripple these also-rans.

Whether it was another big box selling the same goods or Wal-Mart, Circuit City never stood a chance. They could not be expected to survive even a slight downturn if their leadership was unwilling to have the singular goal of building a sustainable business. Their selection was inferior, their prices appeared non-competitive, and their salespeople were clearly on commission. It was never “fun” to shop at Circuit City, and the leadership should have recognized this.

That was their job. Of course, the employees could have told them… if they bothered to ask.