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The 10 Douchiest Job Titles in America

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The 10 Douchiest Job Titles of 2012

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to keep my business cards free of my title. I feel this way for a couple of reasons: primarily, I don’t want those outside of my company getting hung up on my title; also, I really don’t give a shit what you call me inside the company; so long as the work is challenging and fun – and that my role can somehow influence the company’s results.

Of course, I understand I’m in the minority here. There’s an episode of Cheers that humorously magnifies America’s love for important sounding job titles when Woody, Sam and Carla individually go into Rebecca’s office to demand a raise; only to come out overly satisfied with nothing more than artificial titles.

So, while I get why some people want a title and want to proudly display it on their business cards, I struggle to understand why anyone would want a title that basically screams to the world “Hey, look at me: I’m a major douchebag.”

Do you have a douchie title or do you know someone with a douchie title? If so, please share them here. For now, here is my list of The 10 Douchiest Job Titles of 2012:

10. Lifetime Value Business Leader – This title is douchie for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I have no fucking idea what it means. To me, this title sounds more like something that would be inscribed on a crappy award you get from the Fort Wayne, Indiana, Chamber of Commerce than something you would print on a business card. Chances are, if you’re a Lifetime Value Business Leader, you probably can’t lead and likely provide no value to your business (even in the short term).

9. Talent Acquisition Expert – I have two major problems with this total douche bag title: first, if your title shows that you are an “expert” anything it means you are exactly the opposite; and second, the title “Talent Acquisition Expert” springs from the same political correctness that brought us such classic douchebag titles as “Sanitation Engineer” and Subway’s oxymoronic “Sandwich Artist.”

8. Director of Customer Experience – Taking care of customers should be Job One for everyone at your company; but if your business actually names someone their Director of Customer Experience, your front line employees are likely just paying lip service to the actual customer experience. Of course, that’s not what makes this title so douchie. What makes this title really douchie is that the role can only be filled by complete and utter douchebags. Think about it: have you ever met a Director of Customer Experience who didn’t annoy the fuck out of everyone around them? Sickie sweet phoniness does not make for a great customer experience.

7. Chief Motivational Officer – Similarly to the Director of Customer Experience role, if your company needs anyone with any variation of the word “motivation” in their title, then you have a real motivation problem. In fact, your lack of genuinely motivated people will not be solved by giving some made-up title to someone who cannot execute; but he’s really fucking nice so you named him your Chief Motivational Officer. Fire this guy and use the money you save to buy the employees a pool table for the break room and pizza every Friday.

6. Entrepreneur – This title is certainly douchie on the surface: it screams “look at me; I’m a real risk-taking maverick.” Yet these risk-taking mavericks who call themselves entrepreneurs are using the more cultural (mostly incorrect) definition of the word as “someone who starts a business that promises economic gain, but also entails great risk.” In fact, the word actually describes any manager or owner of a business – regardless of actual risk or gain. Putting “entrepreneur” on your card is equivalent to putting the non-descript “manager” as your title; only way more douchie.

5. Company Evangelist – The only people who should be allowed to have “evangelist” on their business cards are those hell-bent on saving our souls and taking our money. (Just taking our money is not enough to make you an evangelist.) In all seriousness, if you don’t spend your Sundays on television speaking to a bunch of sheep and fleecing them of their life savings, then you need to leave this off your business card.

4. Guru – The word is Sanskrit, and if you did not know that, then you’re not a fucking Guru. Moreover, this type of douchebag title is one of the “self-anointed” kinds. This means that no one ever called you a Guru (unless their tongue was firmly planted in their cheek) – you gave yourself this title; and for that, you are a douchebag of the highest order. In fact, you might just be the Guru of douchieness.

3. Mentor – What in the world would prompt someone to put this drivel on their card as their title? It is the job of everyone in your company to mentor to those with less seniority, knowledge or experience than themselves. However, if any douchebag put “Mentor” as their job title on their business card, then they are just announcing to the world that they really value their experience and opinions a whole lot more than the rest of us. I can honestly say that I have not learned a thing from a single person who ever “tried” to be a mentor to me. The true mentors in my life never tried, it just came naturally to them – and they gladly mentored without fanfare or the need to be officially called a mentor.

2. Visionary – Putting this on your card literally screams that what you lack more than anything else is vision. Because… if you had any vision at all, you’d see what a douchebag you look like with this on your card. Let me break this to you gently: being right about a few things does NOT make you a fucking visionary; knowing more than your boss about technology or the Internet does NOT make you a fucking visionary. “Visionary” is a title people bestow upon you at death (think Steve Jobs), not something you call yourself when you’re still alive and annoying the rest of us.

1. Thought Leader – The King of all douchebags, the “Thought Leader,” is another self-anointed position. Those who use this title to describe themselves really see their place in your industry as Socrates meets Einstein. They believe – generally because they have a below-average IQ – that they are both philosopher and genius. While the rest of us see the obvious for what it is, the self-proclaimed “thought leaders” point out the ordinary as if they’ve cracked the genetic code. Deep inside I think many “thought leaders” are truly just “do nothings” who gave themselves the title of “thought leader” because they don’t want to do any real work; they just want to regurgitate what others have published.

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Generally speaking, I think the Internet magnifies the self-importance that the douchebags who proudly display any of my Top Ten douchie titles tends to feel and feed upon. Make no mistake, I get that many of you who read this think I’m a douchebag for my often ranting style of writing. The difference between me and the douchebags that might desire one of the above as their titles is that I know whatever I write will be douchie to someone.

Of course, if you happen to be one who thinks my writing is douchie, then I feel good that I could help you feel superior to someone; even if it is just some douchebag who rants when he writes…

How TrueCar.com Caught Car Dealers Off Guard

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The Internet is (finally) introducing progress to the car business… whether automotive retailers like it or not.

While the Internet itself has so far been little more than an evolution of how car dealers do business (think about it: dealers have been receiving and responding to sales leads from Internet customers for more than fifteen years, yet most dealerships still see less than thirty percent of their sales coming from these online customer inquiries), what TrueCar will bring to dealers is nothing short of a revolution… and most dealerships aren’t prepared.

TrueCar’s business model is designed to eventually eliminate car dealers. For now, they seem content with just getting rid of the pesky commissioned car salespeople. If TrueCar gets their way, every car dealer in the country will provide the actual selling prices of their vehicles up-front; with no haggling. This, it seems, has gotten some in the industry a bit peeved.

“It’s not too late to put this beast down,” commented one such peeved industry veteran about TrueCar on one of the leading automotive dealership forums, DealerElite.net. Others on the site are calling for government investigations and dealer boycotts of TrueCar.

Can they put the beast down?

Forget for a moment how good their model of showing a guaranteed selling price is for consumers, TrueCar still needs car dealers to pay them $299 to $399 per vehicle sold or TrueCar will simply go away. If dealers truly abandon TrueCar, then what?

Unfortunately for the TrueCar detractors, there are two unstoppable forces at work that guarantee that even if TrueCar crashes and burns, the TrueCar business model will not only survive, but eventually become the industry norm. These forces are competition and consumers.

While there have probably been hundreds of dealers who have dumped TrueCar as a provider of sales leads since the industry call-to-arms officially began in November, there have likely been hundreds more who’ve signed on. Dealers, you see, want to sell cars; TrueCar, it seems, actually helps them do that. The competitive nature of car dealers simply won’t allow them to leave these sales leads to their competitors.

From a consumer perspective, one might ask “what took so long?” Why is it we can discover the actual selling price of everything from iodine to iPads before we ever leave for the store, but with cars we still have to haggle as if we’re walking through the Istanbul Grand Bazaar? With or without TrueCar, consumers were already moving toward no-haggle pricing for their vehicle purchases. TrueCar accomplished just one thing that had not been successfully deployed before: displaying the final selling prices of identical vehicles from competing dealers… and this, you see, removed the dealers’ greatest advantage in the car deal.

Why would dealers ever knowingly give up their advantage?

It only took a few car dealer indiscretions to allow TrueCar to get into the position of radically reforming the way new cars are sold to the public; and nearly all of these are examples of failed leadership at the dealer level.

Because most managers of car dealerships got to their level without the assistance of a solid training program or a heavy focus on process or process improvement, it’s no surprise that they “lead” with virtually no focus on these, as well.

Automotive retail provides some of the best examples of bad leadership, likely due to its history (“no one trained me, why should I train anyone?”) and its unbelievably high turnover rate (“why train my salespeople, when they’ll just end up working for someone else in a year?”). Additionally, car dealers have survived for years without the need for formal training programs or progressive leadership; why should anyone think they need these today?

With no focus on training or continuous process improvement, most dealership Internet sales managers – the ones who should have seen TrueCar coming and warned the others – were so busy playing with Facebook and Twitter; so busy thinking they were in the technology business that they never even realized they were in the business of selling cars at a profit. Of course, for most Internet managers, it didn’t help that since they receive almost no respect or support from the other managers in their store – including their direct supervisors – it is doubtful anyone would have listened to them about TrueCar anyway.

Interestingly, the dealerships that wasted (and continue to waste) countless hours and dollars to perfect some social media identity generally feel that social media is a revolution in the auto industry – while missing the true revolution: transaction price transparency and the guaranteeing of transaction prices via the Internet.

Not all dealerships want to put the beast down…

The dealership owners and general managers who never fully embraced the idea of selling cars online are the ones that are the most annoyed by TrueCar. They are the ones rallying their local state associations and regulatory agencies to protect them from themselves. Progressive dealerships – those organizations where everyone is pulling toward the same goal; and where the future brings opportunity, not uncertainty – are comfortable with the move to TrueCar. Many of them got rid of commissioned salespeople years ago.

In his book, Adapt Or Die: How The Internet Is Destroying Dealer Profits And What To Do About It, Kurt Baumberger warned of this phenomenon three years ago. Did any dealers listen? Perhaps a few, but for the most part, dealers continued to run things as they always had: heavy on telling and yelling; light on teaching and improving.

What is most surprising to me is that anyone is surprised. There has been a race to the bottom in automotive retail since the first online listing of vehicles became available. I think what is also surprising is that it’s taken until 2012 for this to become a reality in automotive retail.

Progress happens…

TrueCar is merely the first. Soon, industry leaders like Cars.com and AutoTrader.com will have to insist that dealers post guaranteed pricing on their new vehicles or consumers will simply flock to TrueCar (and the soon-to-emerge clones) to avoid the hassles of negotiating.

To those outside of automotive retail, the TrueCar detractors are probably starting to resemble what the horse-drawn carriage makers, smithies and groomsmen must have looked like as the first automobiles started rolling off assembly lines over 100 years ago. Cursing progress does nothing but make those doing the cursing seem small-minded and naïve.

The thing about progress is that it progresses – whether those in the way of progress like it or not. The progress that is radically changing the car business today has been moving like the lava flows of Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano. It has been slow and deliberate, but it’s gaining strength. You can try to divert it; but you cannot stop it. It is steady and it is devouring everything in its path.

So is TrueCar a consumer’s best friend?

I think there might be genuine concerns over how TrueCar acquires and manages private customer data; but I think the real threat they hold over car dealers is their guaranteed up-front pricing. They could get rid of their silly bell curve and no longer aggregate sales transaction data; and their effect on the industry would remain unchanged. They could also stop telling consumers what dealers paid for their cars, as this information is irrelevant in the transaction and has been available online for years, anyway.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I was first exposed to the TrueCar bell curve in 2009 – which showed what consumers had paid for similar vehicles – and I was impressed. Back then, I felt it would be a game-changer for TrueCar.com. Since then, TrueCar has expanded their online offering to include certificates guaranteeing what consumers would pay from member-dealers for a given vehicle. This innovation, coupled with pitting dealers against each other on a single webpage, made the bell curve unnecessary. Now the TrueCar bell curve is nothing more than worthless eye candy.)

With some in the industry mad as hell about TrueCar’s use of data, it is interesting that as recently as this past weekend, TrueCar CEO Scott Painter was quoted bragging in a New York Post article about the plethora of data sources his company employs to produce their useless bell curve. “We collect information from consumer reports, insurers, lenders, government records and other industry sources in addition to what the 5,400 US dealers provide so we can decipher the true cost of a new car,” said Painter; clearly oblivious to the government’s and the public’s feelings about data privacy.

Everyone is missing the point…

Consumers, if asked, would likely tell you that they don’t care how much dealers paid for a car; “just tell me how much I’m going to pay.” Dealers, because they hid even the latter information from their buyers until they’d successfully worn them down in the dealership for a few hours, have no one to blame but themselves for the growth of TrueCar.

When we buy a book on Amazon.com, we don’t care how much Amazon paid for the book or how much profit they make from the sale. We only care about the transaction price, the delivery terms and the service before and after the sale. The same is true of buying a car. Why should I care if the dealer who sold me my last car made $5 or $5,000? All that mattered to me was the price I paid, the delivery terms and the service before and after the sale.

If TrueCar wasn’t so busy trying to get every scrap of data from every consumer vehicle transaction, they might realize that the TrueGold they provide to consumers occurs when they pit dealers against each other to post guaranteed selling prices. Of course, just as car dealers suffer great leadership voids, so does TrueCar, it seems. CEO Painter comes across as an egomaniacal prick (which, more often than not, means he probably is an egomaniacal prick to everyone around him); he also seems to truly relish his role as the villain to his paying customers: the car dealers. (Not a smart move, if you plan to withstand the inevitable competition for the long term.)

Sincerely, TrueCar Dealer Development Team…

To their dealer-customers, TrueCar behaves more like a government agency than a trusted partner; and their customer communications are signed by divisions and not people. It will be easy for dealers to dump them once real competition emerges or the major online classified websites begin posting guaranteed prices for new and used cars (and thus start driving leads and sales, instead of just expensive branding).

What won’t be easy for dealers is to get this horse back in the barn. If comparison shopping is a way of life for consumer seeking a $500 HP, what makes anyone think it won’t quickly become the norm for someone considering a $30,000 Honda? The leaders in the automotive space understand this, because leaders understand progress and they take advantage of it – even if it means destroying a business model that works today.

The leadership lesson in all this for those in and out of automotive retail is two-fold: First, business owners and their senior leaders must take a stake in the innovations brought on by technology (and not leave this to some “Internet manager”); and these same leaders need to find ways to leverage the inevitable change to their advantage (or they need to be ready to do something else with their lives).

Like it or not, progress has come to automotive retail; and it’s not going away.

 

Kain and Stauning Release Comprehensive Study – Lots of Leadership Lessons Throughout

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After nearly a year of studying the inner workings of successful automotive dealerships’ Internet sales efforts, David Kain from Kain Automotive and Steve Stauning from pladoogle.com have released their groundbreaking study showing the activities and actions that truly drive Internet sales success for today’s automotive dealers. Their conclusions are expected to shape the structure and content of automotive dealership sales efforts for years to come.

Kain and Stauning, industry veterans in the automotive digital marketing space, spent countless hours evaluating successful Internet sales operations and reviewing the data from nearly 4.3 million sales leads to uncover the fifteen most impactful activities car dealers can undertake to ensure they are successful with their Internet sales efforts.

“With so much being written about the relative impacts of social media, David I felt like it was time to take a deep dive into what was truly driving sales for successful dealers,” shared Stauning. “In fact, the automotive blogs were so gaga over social that it seemed no traditional online marketing source had any value.”

To the contrary, reveals the study (which began with case studies involving third-party leads and evolved into a deeper study into what drives Internet sales success for today’s dealers). Both Kain and Stauning felt that their consulting clients were benefiting from a robust lead mix (including third-party leads), but they had no way to disprove the theories being bandied about by the most vocal on the industry blogs.  The boisterous few on most automotive marketing websites were shouting that dealers should abandon these tried and true leads in favor of focusing 100% on first-party leads and social media.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” piped Kain. “Our study results are clear: Dealers who want to be truly successful with their Internet sales efforts need to cast a wide net… and that net includes traditional third-party leads.”

Among the most impactful activities that separate successful Internet dealers from their middling competitors are the obvious factors like quality of lead response and the adherence to a written process; though the study revealed a higher level of importance for some not so obvious factors like middle management support and level of accountability.

“We were a bit surprised that sales, desk and F&I mangers had such an impact on a store’s Internet sales success,” added Kain, “we knew there were dealerships where these managers can be roadblocks to Internet growth, we just didn’t realize the extent to which their honest support and buy-in would catapult a store’s Internet sales.”

The study, available at KainAutomotive.com and on the Kain Automotive Idea Exchange, provides dealers and their managers a compelling and comprehensive overview of the model Internet dealership by providing real world examples of successful dealerships. Moreover, Kain and Stauning weave their own industry knowledge into the study where appropriate to help dealers learn how they can leverage all fifteen of the factors/activities identified.

 

The Truth about Cash for Clunkers

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Leadership Decision Making and The Law of Unintended Consequences

Certainly you’ve heard the axioms “nothing happens in a vacuum” and “for every action there is a reaction” before. We’re pretty sure that every thinking adult not only understands these sayings, but also believes them to be true.

Cause and effect, means and ends, seed and fruit cannot be severed; for the effect already blooms in the cause, the end preexists in the means, the fruit in the seed – Ralph Waldo Emerson

RWE is correct, but he fails to mention that each cause actually has multiple effects; every mean leads to numerous ends; and that each seed can bear bushels of fruit. Cause and effect, like means and end, can imply both good and bad outcomes; and both scenarios – unlike the planting of a seed – often create results that are unintended and unforeseen.

The law of unintended consequences is not a new phenomenon, and it’s especially not new to government action. History has shown at every turn that government intervention, regardless of the benevolent intention, leads to numerous unforeseen and unintended consequences. Certainly, some of the outcomes are beneficial, though the vast majority are not.




The Truth about Cash for Clunkers and The Law of Unintended Consequences

In a nutshell, the US Government created a program that requires taxpayers to spend $3 billion help 750,000 people to buy a new car. The program, officially the Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS) though more commonly known as Cash for Clunkers, was created solely “to energize the economy; boost auto sales and put safer, cleaner and more fuel-efficient vehicles on the nation’s roadways” – this, according to the government’s official cars.gov website.

While nearly everyone in Washington was breaking their arms patting themselves on their collective backs after just two weeks of CARS, the truth is that this program, like all government programs, has already spawned numerous unintended consequences (and none of them positive). Here are just a few:

  • Kelley Blue Book analysts are predicting a bubble in used car prices as a result of the CARS program. This means the cost for a used car is going to be higher, creating a burden on the working poor and lower middle class.
  • Charities are reporting that donations of used cars are down 20% since the start of the CARS program.
  • Already hurt by the economic downturn, used car lots are seeing an additional 20% drop in sales since the beginning of the program – these lots are more often owned by local businesspeople and not large corporations.
  • Some independent auto repair shops – precisely the kind that would service an older car – are reporting up to 25% decreases in their business.
  • Because of the increased demand for many models, car dealers are not discounting beyond the required manufacturer’s rebate. This means that all consumers are paying more for these models.
  • Economists blame the drop in overall July retail sales on the CARS program; arguing that consumers spent on new cars, but cut their spending elsewhere – deepening the recession the program was meant to help stop.
  • The top new model sold so far under the Cash for Clunkers program is an SUV – the Ford Escape – and two large trucks (Ford’s F-150 and Chevy’s Silverado) and a Jeep are among the Top 10 new models sold. (Hardly the pro-green movement for which the government was hoping.)
  • 750,000 working automobiles will be taken out of service and replaced with 750,000 new vehicles. The process of manufacturing each new car (when you account for the acquisition of all material required) is a much more polluting proposition than driving each old car until its natural demise.


It’s clear that Cash for Clunkers will do little, if anything, to stimulate the overall economy; but what about the nation’s car dealers and manufacturers? While dealers are making more per car sold and manufacturers are seeing their inventory backlogs shrink, both of these benefits will likely be short-lived.

The increased demand created by the CARS program cannot be sustained without better economic news. The dip in overall July retail sales signals to us that the end is not as near as we had all hoped. Instead of kick-starting the US Auto Industry, Cash for Clunkers likely pulled ahead many consumers who would have purchased later this year and in 2010. This means many dealers should look for softer than expected new car sales from September through the end of the year.

For the manufacturers, it seems they never learn. Ford announced this week that as a result of the “success” of the program they are ramping up production in the US. While this should be good news for the economy, it likely signals that Ford will be cutting production more than usual this November and December. Rather than enjoying the higher prices brought on by the momentary (and sure to be short-lived) spike in demand, Ford plans to run with the standard Detroit playbook and chase demand by building more cars, trucks and SUVs in the next couple of months. It’s as if Ford is proclaiming “Forecasters be damned, the recession is over.”

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The leadership lesson in all of this is that the world is always more complex than it seems on the surface. Whether we’re talking about the US Economy or the five people in your workgroup, there is an equilibrium that must be considered before major changes are enacted. Understanding how these changes will affect all stakeholders is an important first step towards reaching your goals; but it is only a first step.

It is equally important to make assumptions about the unintended consequences that will inevitably define the success or failure of any major project, program or transformation. While you’ll be wrong more often than you’re right, just knowing that unforeseen outcomes are expected will make you a better leader – if for no other reason than you’ll be better prepared to manage the unanticipated results.

The Death of Data-Based Decision Making

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Why Does My Industry Refuse to Use Data?

True story – of course, whenever anyone says or writes this it generally means that everything else they’ve ever told you is BS – anyway, true story: a highly compensated colleague wrote to a group of fellow highly compensated colleagues and asked “does anyone have any data on whether this widget produces results?”

The emailed responses from two of his highly compensated colleagues were shocking:

  • “I understand they’ve shown good results in Orlando and Tampa.”
  • “This widget really moves the needle in Dallas.”

These were their complete responses. Did I miss something? Where is the data?

This brief exchange of emails is merely a sample of what’s happening in my industry (and probably happening in other industries, though I don’t have any data to back up this claim): We’ve decided that actual data is unimportant.

This is sad, especially as technology has provided us easy, quick and painless avenues to gather data about nearly every aspect of our business. Gathering data and making data-based decisions (AKA: using business intelligence reports) should be one of the greatest benefits of technology we enjoy, yet we still rely heavily on gut feelings and opinions to determine where we spend our money, whom we hire, and what initiatives we pursue.

Data vs. Opinion

Having had my fill of opinion-based decision making where good data is available, I challenged the two highly compensated colleagues to send me some proof to back up their claims about the effectiveness of this particular widget:

“Sounds great, can you send me the data to back this up?” I replied, and waited.

And waited, and waited, and waited. After two days of waiting, I sent a follow-up email copying their direct supervisors:

“I know the Northeast Region really wants to get moving on this widget, and they’re excited to hear about the results you’re seeing in your markets. Can you send me some data that can prove the ROI? We’re struggling to show good numbers everywhere else with this widget and some good results would help save the project.” I wrote, and waited.

Amazingly, with their bosses copied and everyone on high alert to justify expenses, I received the following two messages from the highly compensated colleagues within 30 minutes:

  • “When we looked at the data, it seems it was inconclusive in Dallas. We’re thinking of canceling it.”
  • “Nobody in Orlando or Tampa could prove it works, but they’re sure it was helping sales. They’re going to measure the results this month and then make a decision.”




One claimed they examined the data (Dallas) and one still relied on opinion for now (Tampa/Orlando), but promised to examine the data next month. In the meantime, we’ve potentially wasted more than $100,000 over the past year because no one bothered to look at the data. This was just one product covering a small part of our business. What would we find if we stopped allowing opinions and held everyone to a “just the facts” dictum? Scary…

Data-Based Decisions are Easy

Our industry is one that has had to be pulled (kicking and screaming) into accepting that the Web is an important marketing channel. Now that we’re there, we refuse to demand data, information or business intelligence to help us make decisions. We rely on our collective gut, because our gut was good enough ten years ago, so it’s good enough today.

It’s a shame, really, because using only your gut to make decisions might appear to save you time. While using your gut to make a decision keeps you from having to gather data, it also requires that you continually reconsider the decision: using additional time to determine if you made the correct assessment. When you use your gut, you spend additional time second-, third- and fourth-guessing yourself. You are never certain you made the best decision.

When you use data, like an ROI report, you can quickly and easily decide to eliminate the low ROI widgets and increase your usage of the high ROI widgets. Then, you can put the data away until the next set of numbers (quarterly, monthly, weekly) becomes available. Give these new numbers a “once over” to validate you made a great decision last time or use these numbers to tweak your earlier decision, and move on. Nothing could be easier.

You Were Hired for Your Gut

The best part about using data to help you make decisions is that the data will never care if you also sneak in your opinion here and there. In fact, if not for your gut, your company could just hire a computer to do your job. It is precisely your experiences, history and opinions that make you a valuable commodity. You begin to lose your value, however, as soon as you fail to utilize all the tools (including data) made available to you to do your job.

 

Email Etiquette Lessons from the Cleveland Browns’ Phil Savage – Dropping the F-Bomb is So Not Cool

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Phil Savage, Cleveland Browns GM, Responds too Quickly

While email etiquette in business has long been an important topic to the editors of AskTheManager.com, we’ve never pontificated on the importance of responding expeditiously. We’ve posted articles and opinions about email typos, email signatures, and we even ranked the worst email etiquette mistakes of all time in a two-part series. Had we weighed in on email response speed, we would have said speed is good.

That was until we read about Phil Savage. In Savage’s case, speed kills.

As first reported by the website deadspin.com, Cleveland Browns GM Phil Savage responded quickly Monday night to an idiot fan’s relentless and constant email criticism with the not-so-friendly reply “go root for Buffalo, f*ck you.” (Editor’s note: Phil used a vowel in place of the asterisk.)

You don’t have to be a seasoned leader to know that his response easily tops our list of the worst email etiquette mistakes ever. It’s hard to beat the F-bomb when it comes to what you shouldn’t say in a business email.




The Email Etiquette “24-Hour Rule”

Firing off an angry memo or cursing someone out over the phone ten or more years ago was not a big deal – in the Internet Age, angry responses will haunt you forever. Just as we learned from Alec Baldwin’s “thoughtless little pig” rant that you shouldn’t leave nasty voicemails, we now know from Phil Savage that you shouldn’t write “f*ck you” in an email.

(Seriously, didn’t we already know that?)

Before the onset of the World Wide Web, it was common practice for enlightened leaders to withhold a response when they were irritated. In a proper display of etiquette, they practiced the 24-Hour Rule – that is, they would wait twenty-four hours before sending a nasty note or letter. The prevailing wisdom assumed (correctly) that whatever made them angry today would seem less important in twenty-four hours.

It’s been almost 72 hours since Savage’s savage reply to the thoughtless-little-pig-of-a-fan, and we’re pretty sure it all seems less important now. 

 

The 25 Most Annoying Business Phrases

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The 25 Most Annoying Business Phrases Managers Use

From the overused to the clichéd, we are inundated on a daily basis with annoying and ridiculous business phrases from the lips of well-meaning managers.

Why so many of us, present company included, rely on the latest catch phrases or tired business jargon to relay a particular message is unclear. Whether lazy, blocked or we really think it makes us sound important, we too often reach for the prepackaged word grouping instead of constructing an original sentence.

Tired of the constant use and misuse of worthless wordings, we decided to assemble a list of formulaic business phrases still in (over)use today. Of course, simply compiling a list of the worst or most annoying business phrases was too easy – narrowing that list to just twenty-five proved to be the hard part.

To add a little complexity to this project, we decided to author a single speech using all twenty-five of the most annoying business phrases. That speech, which you are encouraged to deliver at your company’s holiday party this year, is located at the bottom of this article.

After countless hours of debate, here is our list of the 25 Most Annoying Business Phrases Managers Use. For those wishing to sound more like true leaders, we included very simple replacement expressions for each.


  1. Think Outside of the Box – We cringe even writing this one. Inarguably the very worst, most annoying business phrase of all time, Think Outside of the Box has become such an overused cliché that Taco Bell coined their own version for a national ad campaign: Think Outside the Bun. Once the likes of Taco Bell, Sears, General Motors or 7-11 latch onto a popular phrase and add it to their lexicon, that phrase has officially become a caricature of its former self. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Think Creatively.
  2. Give 110% – Our problems with this phrase are both the impossibility of giving 110% and the sheer belief that somehow, if you could actually give 110%, that this would be good enough. Why stop at 110%? What are you, a slacker? We know Nigel Tufnel would give 111%, anyway. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Do Your Best.
  3. Hit the Ground Running – Meant to energize a team to start work on a project immediately, this overused idiom generally has the opposite effect. Usually the person telling their team to “hit the ground running” is some do-nothing who only hits the ground running when five o’clock rolls around. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Get Started Immediately.
  4. The 30,000-Foot View – Though not the only use or misuse of this phrase, “the 30,000-foot view” is often uttered by pompous managers who believe they see the big picture that the rest of us are somehow missing. We get it, okay, you want us to believe you’re considering every outcome of a particular decision. The origins of this phrase, which is meant to describe the view from a commercial airplane (flying at 30,000 feet), have become so misunderstood that we often hear our colleagues refer to everything from the 5,000-foot view to the 100,000-foot view – clearly different views. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: The Big Picture (we know this is also clichéd, but at least everyone will understand the meaning).
  5. FYI – The overused acronym meaning For Your Information, has become such an annoyance to hear uttered (writing FYI is sometimes useful) that one of our editors believes FYI actually means Fornicate You, Idiot. (Of course, he replaces “fornicate” with a common expletive.) He claims that it becomes a little more palatable to hear someone say “FYI” when you think of it in his context. Like putting the words “in bed” after your read the saying from a fortune cookie, this immature habit of his works well and is quite funny. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: nothing (uttering “FYI” adds no value and does not need to be replaced – just stop saying it).
  6. Blocking and Tackling – Whenever someone in your business skips the basics and fails, managers will often say “it’s just blocking and tackling” to signify that the simplest of tasks were not completed. Of all the overused sports analogies applied to business, this is the most annoying because it implies that blocking and tackling are easy tasks. In football blocking and tackling are the most important tasks, and not necessarily the easiest. Without blocking, the offense cannot score. Without tackling, the defense cannot stop the offense. Since we don’t actually block or tackle at work, let’s drop this silly misuse. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Primary Tasks or Basic Tasks.
  7. 800-Pound Gorilla – Used in business to mean some entity so dominating or uncontrollable (because of their power or size) that others must show respect/consideration, the term “800-pound gorilla” is so overused we feel like throwing poop. Given that the average gorilla weighs about 400 pounds (and usually likes to throw poop at zoo visitors), you can imagine the damage that an 800-pound gorilla would cause. Annoying because it is unnecessary, this phrase is so often misused (like 30,000-foot view) that we once heard “200-pound gorilla” and “1,000-pound gorilla” uttered in the same meeting – ugh! The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Industry Leader.
  8. Throw Under the Bus – Often correctly used to describe acts of betrayal in the workplace that provide a minor advantage to the one doing the throwing: “he really threw him under the bus,” this relatively new business phrase has quickly become an annoyance by its watered-down overuse. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Sacrifice.
  9. Rightsizing – This politically correct term for “cutting expenses” vaults into our top ten by virtue of a recent explosion in usage. The current economic climate has forced businesses to make tough decisions, and these decisions most often include expense reductions and layoffs. Managers who feel uneasy using real world terminology to describe their actions take the coward’s course and declare they are rightsizing their organizations. If it was truly “rightsizing” we were doing, then we’d be doing it during good times too, wouldn’t we? The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Downsizing (that’s if you’re afraid of the word “layoff”).
  10. Reaching Out – This phrase is probably most annoying because it seems no one calls or emails anymore, they just reach out – its usage has certainly exploded. The image of someone reaching out to us is more than a little creepy, and yet more and more of our colleagues tell us they are “reaching out” to us – we’d prefer they just email. The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Contact.
  11. Low-Hanging Fruit – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Easy.
  12. Incremental Improvement – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Improvement.
  13. My Two Cents – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: My Opinion.
  14. Solutions Provider – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Vendor.
  15. Bring Your “A” Game – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Arrive Prepared.
  16. Tear Down the Silos – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Remove Barriers.
  17. Paradigm Shift – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Fundamental Change.
  18. Take it to the Next Level – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Improve.
  19. Light a Fire Under Him/Her – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Motivate.
  20. Client Engagement – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Meeting.
  21. Take it Offline – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Discuss it Later.
  22. At This Point in Time – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Now, Currently or Today.
  23. Give You a Heads Up – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Provide Notice.
  24. Synergy – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Collaboration.
  25. Action Item – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Task.

As promised, here is a speech you can deliver at your holiday party this year that will surely make you sound like either the most intelligent or most pompous person in the room. Intelligence is in the ear of the receiver.

I’m reaching out to you today to thank you for helping us make 2008 a solid year for our business. Despite the economic turmoil we face at this point in time, your dedication to synergy and out of the box thinking has allowed us to make incremental improvement in our rightsizing efforts. FYI, In order for us to take it to the next level, we need everyone to hit the ground running on their ‘09 action items and give 110%. As I take a 30,000-foot view of our industry, I see competitive solutions providers who must light a fire under their teams, tear down their silos and make significant paradigm shifts if they expect to catch us, the 800-Pound Gorilla. To these companies I say, “let me give you a heads up, you’d better bring your ‘A’ game if you want to beat us.” We are the industry’s best because we are superior in every way. We are better at blocking and tackling, we are better at gathering the low hanging fruit and we are better at exceeding expectations during client engagements. If we have disagreements, we take it offline – we never throw each other under the bus. If you want my two cents, I would rather work with this group than with the finest people on earth.

Now sit back and bask in the applause.

Leadership Lessons from Web 2.0 – eBay Fixes That Which is Not Broken

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Leadership Means Knowing When Not To Act

Remember that great little restaurant you frequented a few years ago? You know the one; they had that terrifically tasty dish that kept you coming back again and again. Remember when they changed ownership and the new proprietors altered the recipes?

The way I remember it, the new owners removed a couple of labor-intensive dishes from the menu, watered down the lobster bisque, and changed meat suppliers. They fired a couple of key kitchen employees, whom they deemed were overpaid, and they saved thousands of dollars each week. In taking over a successful restaurant, they made some very interesting choices.

When you drive by the shuttered restaurant today you wonder why anyone would mess with success – why would they make these clearly risky moves that would eventually doom this great little restaurant?

Of course you know in your heart that if businesses fail to reinvent themselves – even cannibalize their older products with newer offerings – they could eventually go the way of the buggy whip makers. Given this, you might think that changing the recipe is okay… even recommended. As the new owners of that great restaurant learned, and as eBay is currently learning, little tweaks can have a huge negative impact.

eBay Screws with the Recipe

A few months ago, eBay decided the time was right to change a few of their recipes. As one of the few Dot Coms not to become Dot Bombs, you have to respect that their decisions were sound and in the best interest of shareholders. (For more information on eBay’s moves and the impact on its financial results, read the CNN Money story posted at this link.)

Unfortunately for eBay, their significant fee and feedback changes have led sellers to flee and buyers to purchase fewer items overall. In fact, they saw a 1% decline in gross merchandise volume last quarter versus last year. (A decline in sales for an Internet retailer is not a good thing.)

It’s not just that eBay is alienating sellers – if that was the only issue with these latest moves we would have nothing to write about. These latest moves by eBay signal a shift away from maximizing shareholder return (which should be their only goal) toward becoming some self-appointed savior of the little guy. eBay feels they have to protect everyone, all the time, especially from themselves.

eBay, it seems, is a Democrat.

Whatever Happened to Caveat Emptor?

As both an eBay buyer and occasional eBay seller, I understood that there was some risk with every transaction. As a buyer I was cautious not to leave unwarranted negative feedback for fear that the seller would crush my rating (which would negatively impact my ability as a seller to sell for the highest dollar).

Additionally, I knew that buying a $400 cell phone for $50 meant that, on occasion, I would get ripped off. It’s all part of the auction game: risk and reward. Without great risk, you cannot have great reward.

With eBay’s latest moves – designed both to reduce the number of auctions on the site and to protect buyers from unwarranted negative feedback – they’ve effectively helped competitive sites attract longtime eBay sellers. eBay officials tout that their site is now safer and easier to use.




Who said we wanted it to be safer or easier to use? There is a cost associated with perfect safety that, at least over the short term, even eBay buyers aren’t willing to pay. They had a great thing going and then they watered down the lobster bisque.

The Customer is not Always Right, but They are Always the Customer

eBay has forgotten who their customers really are. Hint: they’re not the buyers. Web 2.0 companies must deliver desirable content to survive; eBay gets this content from the sellers. Sellers make eBay great; and only with great sellers, can eBay attract buyers.

Because of their new feedback policies, which have cost sellers dearly, eBay is seeing many of their most successful merchants flee to sites like Amazon and others.

John Donahoe took over as eBay’s CEO on March 31 of this year and he had big shoes to fill. Donahoe followed the legendary Meg Whitman – an Internet icon who built eBay into the giant it is today.

Donahoe, like the new owners of that great little restaurant in your neighborhood, watered down the lobster bisque. Whether he was trying to make his mark on the company, or whether he simply felt this was the best move for eBay shareholders, his changes          to the site’s policies could ultimately spell disaster for the auction giant. (If you think we’re being a little melodramatic here, remember that on the World Wide Web it doesn’t take long before “the next great thing” takes hold.)

Over 100 Years with the Same Menu

Galatoire’s – an unbelievably great eatery in New Orleans – has served the same menu for more than a hundred years. Through two World Wars, the Great Depression and several hurricanes, Galatoire’s has stood the test of time. They’ve never watered down the gumbo (they don’t serve lobster bisque) and they’ve remained true to the dishes that first put them on the map.

We’re certainly not suggesting that eBay should emulate Galatoire’s; we’re merely providing an example of success without radical change. It is possible because Galatoire’s literally babies their best customers and they’ve always worked to deliver the best.

Imagine if eBay literally babied their best sellers and always worked to deliver the best… Oh yeah, they used to before Donahoe.