Thank You Delta: An Open Thank You Letter to Delta Airlines from a Regular, Long-Time Delta Customer

Thank you Delta Airlines for all that you do for today’s airline passenger. Whether our trips are for business or just for vacation, we owe you a hearty “thank you” for making us feel so special.
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Specifically:
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Thank you to the Delta ticket counter clerks who immediately act annoyed when they have to answer another dumb customer question. (Don’t these people read? Can’t they see this is not the line for dumb questions? Why don’t they just use the kiosk instead of bothering me?) It’s because of you that Grandma starts every trip with an upset stomach and explosive diarrhea.
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Thank you to the Delta gate agents who never seem to be able to be where they are actually needed. It’s because of you that all of the passengers have more time to get to know each other’s unique smells while we wait at the gate for you to move the jet bridge a whopping ten feet. (I think I’ve developed a bladder infection from sitting for long periods when I have to pee.)
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines logistics team who ensure that if your plane arrives ten minutes early, they’ll keep your gate blocked for another twenty minutes just to ensure they are able to maintain the proper balance in the universe. It’s because of you that we are all learning to count better. (Hmm, I count twenty empty Delta gates, why don’t they just park the plane in one of those?)
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines baggage handlers who ensure that no matter how long your layover at a Delta hub, you and your bag will not both make your connecting flight. It’s because of you that I have learned to love wearing the same underwear two days in a row. (The trick, you see, is to turn them inside out on the second day.)
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Thank you to the Delta Sky Club attendants, clerks and bartenders for shutting your club 10 minutes early. Because of this, I realize that Delta employees are more like Wendy’s employees than someone I should trust with my life.
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines pilots who are allegedly qualified to fly a jet plane, but cannot seem to properly operate a microphone or enunciate clearly enough for anyone on the plane to hear what they are saying. It is because of you that “uhhhh crackle, scratch, crackle, crackle, scratch, crackle, uhhhhh, scratch, crackle, scratch” makes me wonder whether we are crashing or just passing over the Grand Canyon.
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines flight attendants who, like a Macy’s cosmetics department sales clerk, have a unique and misplaced sense of superiority over everyone in coach. You are nothing more than glorified barmaids, and if you were really any good at it, you’d be slinging drinks at the Applebee’s in Omaha – and making more money. It’s because of you that our young people unfortunately look up to women who are too dumb to operate a circa-1995 video player that plays the onboard safety message.
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines baggage office clerks who make certain that the customer knows via your exaggerated hand gestures and head bob that “it’s not my fault that your bags are lost.” In fact, you do such a wonderful job of pointing fingers that I often leave your counter wondering what I could have done better to ensure my bags were on my flight before takeoff. (Shame on me for being such a passive flyer – I should have taken a more active role in moving my checked baggage from flight-to-flight.) It’s because of you that so many Americans are self-medicating.
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines procurement officers who work so very hard to get the absolute lowest bid on everything Delta offers today’s traveler. I want to give a very special thank you to the person on this team who buys the Made in China roll-on antiperspirant for the toiletries bags you distribute to those of us who were dumb enough to trust Delta with our bags. It’s because of you that I now know that “antiperspirant” actually means “hellfire rash-inducing highly carcinogenic lotion-like near-liquid substance” in Chinese.
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Thank you to the Delta Airlines marketing department. I assume it was your team who decided to allow the Google/GoGo/Delta Free WiFi program for the Holidays this year. Nothing sparks Holiday Cheer more than 159 people trying to login to a WiFi service that is barely capable of handling nine. What a great and productive experience you have given me (a paying GoGo customer), and what a terrific first impression you are making on those GoGo novices on the plane who also cannot access anything while in the air. It’s because of you that so many of us have cut back our travel plans for next year.
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And a special thank you to anyone who answers a phone at Delta Airlines. I know this is an incredibly short list, but you do a great job of both blaming me and calling me a liar simultaneously… sorry to have troubled you at 3:00 AM when I am unable to sleep because I am wondering where my bag that you made me pay $25 to check is… go back to playing solitaire. It’s because of you that Americans are now demanding companies outsource more of their call centers to Bangladesh.
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Finally, to the entire Delta family who seems to think that I am, as the regular customer, there only for them and not the other way around, I thank you for your patience with me – I am learning and will work to become a better customer. One who gladly forks over thousands of dollars every month to you while getting nothing but grief in return.